yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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