I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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