I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
