a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
