wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
