I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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