matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
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I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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