so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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