well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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