my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
