Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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