The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
