just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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