i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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