I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So vagazzling was a success
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
