We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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