the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
