Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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