All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
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I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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