everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
