A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
