If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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