A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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