Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
