She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Randomize
