The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
