its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
