i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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