Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
