Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
