Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
