Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
