The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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