Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
