nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was like eating out sand paper
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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