you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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