I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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