So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
MIDGETS
????
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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