no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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