Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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