I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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