i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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