you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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