I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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