i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
