Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
