Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's shark week go big or go home
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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