I'm so fucking centered right now
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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