Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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