is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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