mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
