margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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