If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
