So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
