Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
