I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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