She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
